Kill the Blonde
Paris is burning in an L.A. jail.
After a claws-out flurry, the networks now maintain they aren't actually competing for the Exclusive! Paris-in-the-Sprung Interview.
Paris called Barbara Walters from jail to say that she had "found god." Since we heard this from Barbara Walters, this constitutes Hearsay in a court of law. But since it is incrementally being revealed, to beasts who tread the earth, that Barbara Walters very likely IS god, it follows that Paris's assertion must be true. Clearly she possesses Barbara Walter's personal cell number. Moses didn't get any closer than that.
Paris has been spending her time in jail reading and answering her fan mail. Word on the cable news shows and the progressive talk radio stations has it that she "dots her i's with a heart."
They say she might have bipolar disorder. They say she takes medication every day.
A friend who visited her in jail said it was unbelievable how beautiful she looked without make-up.
One report on cable news showed an aerial view of what they said was Paris's house, and related that since her incarceration her dogs have been wandering from the premises and her ginger tabby cat got run over by a car.
Paris is an Aquarius. She shares a birthday with Michael Jordan. Today both of them, like me, are having a three star day.
If you go to www.ParisHiltonAutopsy.com, you will find the teenage winners of a writing contest. Their task was to write Paris Hilton's obituary after viewing a sculpture called "Paris Hilton Autopsy" by Daniel Edwards. The stated purpose of this sculpture (more views at http://www.caplakesting.com/parishiltonautopsy/index.htm) was to confront young people with the apocalyptic consequences of drunk driving. (Full disclosure: "apocalylptic" is my word, not that of Mr. Edwards, his gallery or Mothers Against Drunk Driving, who supported this project.) The sculpture depicts Paris Hilton lying in death on an autopsy table, arms opening outward and head turned in a pose that from the torso up evokes classic depictions of the Madonna, except that on Paris's chest her Chihuahua Tinkerbell (not apparently in rigor mortis herself; in fact seemingly alive and bewildered) stands straining toward the face of her mistress. Both appear nude, with the exception that each wears a tiara of the distinct Princess Diana style. From the waist down Paris Hilton looks like the victim of a sex murderer given to posing his trophies. It is a "hands on" exhibit, and for an added punch the kids who are its target audience can remove Paris's internal organs, including her uterus, which in this exhibit features a "double abortion": fetal twins, to underscore the "tragedy."
Mel Gibson. George W. Bush. Vin Baker. These people have also been arrested for drunk driving. They are not "dumb blondes." Paris Hilton's blood alcohol level at the time of her arrest was .08%. Check out your state's laws. Don't forget the pregnancy test! And maybe leave the tiara in the closet.
Suzanne Somers was also known as "dumb blonde." Her IQ is 154 (the same as Raquel Welch's; both self-reported). Madonna's (not "the Madonna" referenced above) is 144. Marilyn Monroe was a Gemini: "Two for one--more than two!" she joked. Like Princess Diana, she died at the age of 36, but not of drunk driving, unless you want to call it that. You could probably get a book deal if you do.
"Watcha gonna do when you get outta jail?
I'm gonna have some fun
What do you consider fun?
Fun, natural fun!"
"Genius of Love" by the Tom Tom Club
"Hello, Dad? I'm in jail! And I like it! It's nice! Say hi to Mom from jail!"
From What Up, Dog? by Was (Not Was)
After a claws-out flurry, the networks now maintain they aren't actually competing for the Exclusive! Paris-in-the-Sprung Interview.
Paris called Barbara Walters from jail to say that she had "found god." Since we heard this from Barbara Walters, this constitutes Hearsay in a court of law. But since it is incrementally being revealed, to beasts who tread the earth, that Barbara Walters very likely IS god, it follows that Paris's assertion must be true. Clearly she possesses Barbara Walter's personal cell number. Moses didn't get any closer than that.
Paris has been spending her time in jail reading and answering her fan mail. Word on the cable news shows and the progressive talk radio stations has it that she "dots her i's with a heart."
They say she might have bipolar disorder. They say she takes medication every day.
A friend who visited her in jail said it was unbelievable how beautiful she looked without make-up.
One report on cable news showed an aerial view of what they said was Paris's house, and related that since her incarceration her dogs have been wandering from the premises and her ginger tabby cat got run over by a car.
Paris is an Aquarius. She shares a birthday with Michael Jordan. Today both of them, like me, are having a three star day.
If you go to www.ParisHiltonAutopsy.com, you will find the teenage winners of a writing contest. Their task was to write Paris Hilton's obituary after viewing a sculpture called "Paris Hilton Autopsy" by Daniel Edwards. The stated purpose of this sculpture (more views at http://www.caplakesting.com/parishiltonautopsy/index.htm) was to confront young people with the apocalyptic consequences of drunk driving. (Full disclosure: "apocalylptic" is my word, not that of Mr. Edwards, his gallery or Mothers Against Drunk Driving, who supported this project.) The sculpture depicts Paris Hilton lying in death on an autopsy table, arms opening outward and head turned in a pose that from the torso up evokes classic depictions of the Madonna, except that on Paris's chest her Chihuahua Tinkerbell (not apparently in rigor mortis herself; in fact seemingly alive and bewildered) stands straining toward the face of her mistress. Both appear nude, with the exception that each wears a tiara of the distinct Princess Diana style. From the waist down Paris Hilton looks like the victim of a sex murderer given to posing his trophies. It is a "hands on" exhibit, and for an added punch the kids who are its target audience can remove Paris's internal organs, including her uterus, which in this exhibit features a "double abortion": fetal twins, to underscore the "tragedy."
Mel Gibson. George W. Bush. Vin Baker. These people have also been arrested for drunk driving. They are not "dumb blondes." Paris Hilton's blood alcohol level at the time of her arrest was .08%. Check out your state's laws. Don't forget the pregnancy test! And maybe leave the tiara in the closet.
Suzanne Somers was also known as "dumb blonde." Her IQ is 154 (the same as Raquel Welch's; both self-reported). Madonna's (not "the Madonna" referenced above) is 144. Marilyn Monroe was a Gemini: "Two for one--more than two!" she joked. Like Princess Diana, she died at the age of 36, but not of drunk driving, unless you want to call it that. You could probably get a book deal if you do.
"Watcha gonna do when you get outta jail?
I'm gonna have some fun
What do you consider fun?
Fun, natural fun!"
"Genius of Love" by the Tom Tom Club
"Hello, Dad? I'm in jail! And I like it! It's nice! Say hi to Mom from jail!"
From What Up, Dog? by Was (Not Was)
posted by MM at 2:36 PM
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